By Amy Marie Kirpaul
Oblivious; Silence; Waiting; Shock; Sorrow; my husband, Seeram, and I were somewhere amid reality and a bad dream. But wait. I was reminded of a truth greater than temporal circumstances and fleeting feelings. The GOODNESS of GOD: Who He is. All He has done. What He is doing. And what He will do. Yes, something so much bigger than myself. But yet He still meets me in those very real moments of pain and sorrow of this life, taking me somewhere only He can bring me. May He speak to you as He did to us; For He is with His Children; Emmanuel! His Grace is ABUNDANTLY sufficient as we are STILL and KNOW He ALONE is God! We can do all things that He has allowed in our lives by Christ who gives us strength; to more than endure but to RISE above the clouds of sorrow and pain of the temporary and to see the eternal perspective filled with the amazing fullness of Love and Joy of the LORD!!! For the Joy of the LORD is our strength! Amidst pain, sorrow and sin, there is healing, forgiveness and hope!
It was a normal pregnancy; our second child. It was a routine 16 week visit to my midwife, Jackie, at the Birth Center in Rock Hill, SC. I was sicker with this one, but every pregnancy is different so I thought nothing of it. It was only a month prior we heard our little ones heart beat for the first time. Tears of joy had filled my eyes then, for what an awesome miracle to be a part of, as the LORD knits this little life together. But this time, silence. My heart didn’t completely sink until she said my uterus wasn’t where it should be. It was then I knew.
I was already mourning the loss of our little one that Tuesday evening May 29th, though it wouldn’t be until our ultrasound appointment at 2pm that next day that it would be confirmed. The wait was hard, but that was part of what the LORD was teaching me; learning to trust Him and His timing. I had wanted to go to CPC that evening for an ultra sound, but they had no appointments. All that was within me cried, “I just want to see and hear my baby.” Later that night, I cried out for forgiveness; both from the LORD and from our baby. I told the LORD that if He had chosen to take this life I could bear it, but the one thing I could not bear was the thought that I had done something to hurt my baby. I wept sorely and through the tears asked this child of mine to forgive me. My heart was heavy with sorrow as my mind thought of all the “what ifs”, “should haves” and what I had done wrong.
I had gone to CPC that following morning for prayer before our appointment that afternoon. It is wonderful to know that you can go to a place where the LORD and His people are. His people bring you before the very throne of the Living GOD because of the life, death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ, who made the New and Living way to the LORD GOD! How powerful prayer is, not because of our words, but because of the ONE in whom we pray to, knowing that He hears and shall do according to His Perfect Purpose and for the GOOD of those who love and trust Him. After the time of prayer, as I was driving around, I was assured that I had been forgiven. “Forgiven” by Sanctus Reel came on and the LORD touched my heart and took my guilt. I rested on the forgiveness for all my sin in the blood of Jesus Christ; for it is finished!
Seeram and I remembered these truths as we drove to our appointment. As we sat down to wait for them to call us in, all I heard over the radio was “I am with you.” And that was enough for me. As the Good Shepherd, He was going before us. For I know that my GOD can breathe life into the dead if He chooses to! I was holding onto the hope of a miracle. But though He chose another way, His faithfulness never ceased! I had whispered to the LORD, “OH LORD. My baby is dead! What happens next?” The next moments seemed like eternity as I paced the room. I had at one point fell into Seeram’s arms and wept. I thank my GOD that He knows what it is to weep!
Seeram and I left in silence. We sat in the car in shock, as I called Jackie to ask her about the next steps. Most talk of this “surgery” and I didn’t realize I had other options. She told me that because she was only measuring 12 weeks that my body should be able to handle this naturally. She also said that she was going to hold my hand through this all, so I could call her anytime; so we decided again to wait. We then drove home in silence. For what could we say? My mind raced with thoughts, yet my heart rested in knowing of God’s unchanging Truth and Love. In the stillness of that 45 minute car ride home, I thought back to the LORD’s Forgiveness, His Presence, and that Matt, our friend and associate at our church, was going to preach on 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My Grace is Sufficient for you” that evening; the same verse that the LORD had given me for this pregnancy. The amazing thing was that he had no idea what we were going through nor my “birth verse”. The LORD was showing me His Sovereignty over it all, even that which we cannot understand. The LORD graciously comforted my heart through that sermon by filling me with Himself! I had two other “birth verses”; Be Still and Know that I AM GOD, and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength, which Matt had also included in his sermon. Oh the beauty of God’s timing and His Holy Word that pierces to our very souls.
We were also blessed to get an ultra sound picture of our little one the following day. Her body was perfectly intact. It helped us to get the closer we sought, seeing this little person, who is still very much a part of our family and forever in our hearts. But the anxiety of waiting for her to pass was at times overwhelming. I thanked the LORD for HIS peace that passes all understanding, as it would sweep over my mind, heart and soul; a constant battle within. Jackie told me I wouldn’t recognize anything, as she explained what would happen. My friends told me of their experiences. So with all that in mind, I found that all I needed to do was to rely on the LORD to bring me through each moment by His all sufficient grace and strength, just as He had done in the water birth of our son, Samuel Peter, only 19 short months ago.
It was on Tuesday June 4th, that I was given Grace. Everyone had gone to bed and I was having pain, which I thought was just my body doing what it needed to do. It was about 10:30 pm or so and she came. I was in tears and in shock when I got Seeram out of bed. He was overwhelmed! I called Jackie in hysterical tears as she told me that she was glad I was able to do this naturally, for it is so much better for healing, physically and emotionally. She said that I was now able to decide what to do with my precious child’s body. My Mom came to help as I picked up and held my precious child; she has given tremendous support through this! I didn’t know it, but the LORD knew I needed that moment with my daughter to say goodbye. She was perfect; little hands, little fingers, little feet, and little toes! This gift from the LORD, this perfect little body, was His fingerprint. I will NEVER forget this moment! As the shock wore off, I saw this moment for what it was. I began to be filled with the peace and love of GOD as He drew me near, showing me more of Himself then I’ve ever known!
Unsure of what we would now do with this cherished body of our little girl. We placed her in a plastic bag and a special box I had, and placed it in the fridge until we decided what we could and should do; not deciding anything in haste. The LORD put CPC on my heart and we agreed that the next morning we would go for prayer and to ask them if they had any ideas. As we arrived that morning, our growth group leader, Jeff, was pulling up. He was going to lead our prayer time! God’s perfect timing, for it also was Jeff who knew Benny, a man who knows the LORD and owns Benson Funeral & Cremation Service of Mount Holly, who then offered his crematory services for free. He was also gracious to come to our home to pick her up and bring her back! What a blessing! This was the way we chose to go, for it was the only option that gave us peace. I had wanted to bury her, but the LORD reminded me that from dust HE formed us, a grain of wheat must die to bear much fruit, and when HE returns shall make ALL things new! We knew she was not in that little body but home with the LORD in the Everlasting Arms of Jesus Christ! For just as David said when his child died, “Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” (2 Samuel 12:23) Though we feel loss, she is not lost.
Ansil had also made many phone calls to try to find a resting place for our daughter. I can’t say how much of a burden that lifted off my shoulders. I was emotionally and physically unable and I knew that time was of the essence. What he found was similar to what I have found in my journey; that a magnitude of women and families are affected by this. Many don’t know they have options. Many don’t know how to get closure and healing. Many have no one to turn to. Many can’t even speak of that time. And though every circumstance is different, the common denominator is the loss of a child. We, together, are in prayer that the LORD would supply a place to rest these children. What a burden lifted this would be to women and families as they are overwhelmed during this time of sorrow. With this need realized, CPC is looking to offer support and counseling for those affected by miscarriage; just as they offer the same for those who long for healing and forgiveness from abortions; a safe place to find healing and hope.
So my next struggle was this baby needed a name. I wasn’t at rest with the thought of no identity. The LORD knows each by name and I knew He was able to tell us who this child is; just as He had told us the name of our son, Samuel Peter. So though she wasn’t “old” enough to tell whether this child was a girl or a boy, The LORD impressed upon both Seeram and I that this was our little girl. The name Grace came to us first because it was by God’s Grace that we walked through this time by faith and with great Joy in the LORD; and Mae because that is when she left us. A remembrance of the Goodness of our GOD and of the little life that HE is still using in this lifetime to bring forth eternal fruit!
We had a memorial for her Tuesday June 11th at 7pm at Crowers Mountain by the lake. This is a special place for Seeram and me and we thought it was perfect. We had asked Matt to lead in that time. He graciously accepted and spoke a few words that the LORD had laid on his heart to share with us. We basked in the presence of the LORD, as His Holy Word was spoken and as we sang songs of praise to HIM; a quiet place where we met with HIM and found assurance for our grieving hearts and souls. But PRAISE the LORD that we can grieve with HOPE! And Our HOPE does not disappoint!
So it now has been a month since all of this has transpired. Looking back over all that the LORD has done, I just sit in Awe of HIM. He has done more than I can ever write. So many women and families who have been through this have reached out to me, as we were able to reach out to others; my sisters in Christ, my church family, friends and relatives, the Duggar family (From 19 kids and counting TV series, who miscarried their second child. They felt they had part in it by using a birth control that can cause miscarriage; guilt and forgiveness were a part of their journey as well), and Todd and Angie Smith from Selah (who lost their 4th daughter hours after her birth, of which doctors told her to abort but she knew the LORD was saying carry her. Through the time she carried her, He did some amazing miracles and the song Carry Me was born); and the LORD has shown me GREAT THINGS. More people than I will ever know have been touched by this part of my journey here on earth, just as I have been encouraged in my faith through those have gone before us. I’ve also watched as the LORD has answered my prayers for my husband. For our men are just as affected, and I’ve seen men come into Seeram’s life to give support and encouragement in ways that could only be orchestrated by our heavenly Father!
The LORD has blessed me to be able to share with you what He has done in this valley when Ancil asked for me to write this article. My prayer is that other women and families may find healing, forgiveness and hope that comes by knowing and loving the LORD and that His Praises may echo throughout this land. I pray also for needed closure and for people to come into their lives who have walked this road. Closure and encouragement from those people that the LORD brought into our lives has been an essential way that the LORD enabled us to speak so soon about our journey. Also realizing that what the LORD allows us to go through is both for our growth of faith and also for others. My thought was, “if what I am going through could make a difference in just one person’s life for eternity, it is worth it”. Just as Christ’s Sufferings paved the way to glory, so do our temporary sufferings. He is able to use it for our Good and for His Glory!!! There is something so profound in it all that is beyond my understanding. I had told Him that after all this how could I ask Him for anything else? But I realized something else; I need to ask Him DAILY for His all sufficient Grace! We take it day by day, leaning on the only ONE who knows where we have been, where we are and where we are going. His joy overwhelmingly fills me with anticipation to see what HE is doing!
May you too find your rest and peace in The LORD who alone grants this for this life and for forever! And though we live in a society, which by law, claims that any baby less than 25 weeks gestation is just “tissue”, we can proclaim the Truth of what THE LORD has revealed in His Word and in our own testimonies. I would have loved to have those who believe this hold my baby! Only 12 weeks gestation and very much a little person! Miscarriage is a real loss that our society doesn’t recognize, but we must! For the sake of the woman and families that are still in bondage of a loss that they are unable to grieve and heal from. Though we are never the same after a loss, we are able to heal and have hope for here is NOT our home! May we together proclaim the life that the LORD knits together and the freedom, forgiveness, healing and hope that is in HIM Alone!
Romans 11: 33- 36 33 O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out! 34 For who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? 35 Or who has first given to Him, and it shall be recompensed unto him again? 36 For of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things: to whom be glory forever. Amen.
Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. AMEN!!!
J Grace Mae Kirpaul J 2 Corinthians 12:9&10
Dearest little Grace Mae,
Though you’re not physically with us today.
You are forever in our hearts, a gift from the LORD above
In your short time with us, God’s shown us His Love
For Answered Prayers, only spoken by my heart
Even through the tears, as we in this lifetime part
As I held you so dear, in the shock of the night
He silenced my worries, and relieved my fright
So perfect; so beautiful. Knit so delicately together.
So precious to me; our hearts forever tethered.
Little hands; little feet; Little fingers; and little toes
a perfect little body with a little face and nose.
To hold you, dear daughter, was a miracle and a gift.
God gives us Grace for every moment, our souls He does lift.
So close is our God, Savior and King
Each time I wake, He gives me a song to sing
Moment by moment, He is incredibly near
He gives me more of Him, and says my child do not fear.
Blessed is THE LORD, who gives and takes away
Our Comfort to know, dear Grace, that you are in The Everlasting Arms this day.
The Fingerprint of God, so beautiful and small.
Oh how we love you, So thankful through it all
I hope you can see how the LORD is changing lives through you
All the WONDERFUL and IMPOSSIBLE things Only He can do!
THE LORD GOD of All, is doing more than we can ever know;
Planting and watering the seeds that He alone makes to grow.
The Harvest is and shall be ready, all in His Time.
even as I speak of His Greatness through this Rhyme.
So with this, we say goodbye
Just for a time, for soon to Jesus we shall fly
For His soon return, we do watch and wait
eager to enter, the small and narrow gate
To be with Jesus is to be HOME <3 Looking forward to that Glorious Day!
Mae we be all around the throne Together Singing Praise to Our Great God and KING!
Songs that the LORD has given me through it all
Sovereign Over Us by Aaron Keyes
There is strength within the sorrow,
There is beauty in our tears
You meet us in our mourning,
With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting,
When beyond our understanding,
You’re teaching us to trust
Your plans are still to prosper,
You have not forgotten us
You’re with us in the fire and the flood
Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us
You are wisdom unimagined,
Who could understand Your ways
Reigning high above the heavens,
Reaching down in endless grace
You’re the Lifter of the lowly,
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me,
Your promises are my delight
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good,
You turn it for our good and for your glory
Even in the valley You are faithful
You’re working for our good,
You’re working for our good and for Your glory
Other songs given to me by the LORD to sing and ponder in my heart
You Are I AM by Mercy Me
I turn to YOU by Selah
If YOU want me to By Ginny Owens
I will Carry You by Selah
Blessings By Laura Story
Perfect Peace By Laura Story
Great I AM by New Life Worship
Your Great Name By Natalie Grant
Our Hope Endures By Natalie Grant
Every Time I Breathe By Big Daddy Weave
I Will Lift My Eyes by Bebo Norman
With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman
Close to Your Heart by Steven Curtis Chapman
When Love takes you in
by Steven Curtis Chapman
I will Be Still and Know You are GOD by Hillsong
10000 Reasons (Bless the LORD)
by Matt Redman
You Are My Hiding Place
A Mighty Fortress is Our GOD
In Christ Alone
Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus